Withdrawn under the night sky
Withdrawn in words
The whiff of suddeness, has gone.
The quick humour emanates with hesitance

Concoted miseries
no, there is no torment
no woe

It stinks of the death of the green new leaves that were still sprouting.
It dies
It dies

the first room to the right

I wish I could write what I think, then and then. This act of raising my head, getting up and taking out a copy and a pen from my bag, brings tears to my eyes.
Sitting here alone, it is strange. I do..

I do not blink my parched eyes. I've been alone since1:45pm.
No I am not lonely ,I am alone. Is it the book?'Auschwitz' and 'Craccow' that unsettle me? or the thought of what will happen at 5pm and what will happen after that time?

Is it tiring? my eyes, my head, it does want sleep. It wanted to go home with the friends. It wanted so much and wants so much more.
Can I differentiate between the want and the need.
It is 3:43pm, I turn my head to see, to find a face, it would be uncomfortable answering their questions of what I'm still doing here? But, I want that, I want to see someone who will ask. I want to answer their questions. Feel proud of this stupid behaviour.
'Stupid' I do wish I had a better word to replace it but then a blunt person would say that it is plain stupid. Though I would never agree.

There's a smell of something rotting in the classroom.I could sense it's sharp presence the moment I entered. But I just can't get myself to move, I feel like someone will judge me, think me crazy.
This room was my second landing space, the first room which I preferred had to be sweeped. The end of the day sweeping routine. I thought they were going to lock it and order me to leave since the classes were over.
Sigh! maybe that would have thrown me at the edge and I would finally give up. My eyes do keep shutting down.The book closed, I check, recheck. I recheck only because I have forgotten what I had checked in the first place. Ageing mind of a twenty year old!

It's past 4 now. Must get up and start walking towards the gate after making the usual stops in between.

door

The simple act of leaving the door ajar so that you can peak in
So that you can hear my sound, my voice
the air travels from you to me
'mujh tak seemit nahi rah jaati yeh hawa'


You're presence, maybe a partial
but it lingers. I share it willingly
The simple act of leaving the door
slightly ajar

Change

There's bird in my head.
It's fluttering its wings in quick successive movements
It's a humming bird of sorts
Or a Kingfisher
It wouldn't settle down
not even to a  constant wing speed


It likes the idea of fluctuation, this idea of change
Constant, arduous, sometimes painful change
But within these four walls
The four walls of my skull

Let's leave

When frustration rises
When the scowl grows narrower
The brain aches like a needle going through
The eyes squint in strange anger


It's time to leave
Time to stop this crazy
Time to take a break
For sleep to take over


For the mind to be away from this cacophony
Not of birds but of these man made humans of nature


To feel quiet
Let's leave
Let's cease to be for awhile
Then maybe
These impulsive spurts of anger will slowly ebb away


I will be serene for a while
I will be me for a while

The bird

It sits beneath that blown up yellow tree
hungry
scared
It seethes at your stare
How could you see this creature
so near, so unprotected
A predator that sits so close to these humans
Close to her end

The tiny leaves fall
They thud softly
Like footsteps

Each time the leaves
the speck of a leaf falls, this soul shivers

We decide to stop
cease to walk any closer to this marvellous bird
it's hard to draw away

She does mesmerise
her white spotted plumage

Her strange nearness disarms our inhibitions
She doesn't wish for an intimate connection

She only aches for the sky

Crack me up!

Crack me up
Will you now?

This slow breeze
blow it up into a storm
This placid subdued conversation

Ugh

Crack me up
Will you now
Crack this dull monologue

~19th Feb, 12

08:49 to 23:20

I groped for my existence, for something inside
.....................................................................................
I didn't then, i do now.Hahahaha KUTTA
................................................................
The silent one holds the reign; the upper hand
..................................................
Somebody moves above you, as we fade