stutters

Recollections remembered
But she asks for proof
She is indifferent to the words
The intensity, the writhing

The strings in the guitar flow through the breaking
Breaking bones, breaking voices, into water into muddled screams
Cluttered humiliation
Flinches the mind at each high decibel

Useless, misused
You kill what is not meant to be killed.
The green wires deep inside, they nullify
try to run, escape
So pathetic

He laughs

A maddening giggle, the need to cut through
but too far it's sharpness lies
To reach the edge would mean to pass the turmoil
Deceit, deceived by your own
The grotesque filth on it's floor,
lying with it's smile still intact on it's decomposing corpse

I Think of escaping into your voice
Hesitate and do not

Unnamed, unrecognised

Let it be, she smiles
smiles and demands we forget, go into our mundane growth
the sound of the green sap growing inside the grass blade
not disturbed a bit.

Shaken into delirium, it palpitates, stutters in it's meandering world
Distraught s into slumber
folded inside this time
frozen into this orb of shame
the others, their voices null
their minds have heard
they will look at you and know
It is you
It is you
that abomination that tries to hide behind it's sun birds
the alley cat knows, she accuses,
her green yellow eyes
So distant
Will she not enter inside today

Far she shall remain
This is her home no more

It isn't pretty, not beautiful. Nope, not surreal at all.
It's a fucking journey, round and round, repeating it's monotone
Again and again, the same dirty grey water stained glass
The lies of togetherness, the moment of intrigue with a stranger; pain
The pain of stagnation, so soon it has flickered
Insatiable, unfaithful, the once quaint emotion

Slowly so slowly, the light, the sound of incessant movement and stops
Of arrivals and departures

Rushes past so many souls
Rushes past the truth you lie everyday
A whore, a speck of so much love
Devoured by doubt, by longing

So much of this train, the large blue 6 staring into my peculiar habits
Humans!
So many!
Each hour, each second
Staring and yet oblivious
To you, and to me

~4:45pm, 12/06/12

Hum little hummingbird

Dusty windows
unclear pixels
I see you
I see you
Shadows of all the places we've been
What you said, what a brand of bread reminded you of
Your home
Your ma

I shall remember the small things
They live among me, among us
forever

A Smiling form above
you look at me
I cannot see your faces
But I know that you smile at me
I know you two, know you too well

The train moves faster than our changing points of laughter
Moves through the usual route

How long can the mind deflect?
The longing to stay forever
The wish that you shall never leave
But all there is, is four days

I am happy, content maybe, there are other things but at the back of my mind it runs, the film keeps running.
You leave, you leave
Time ran and you go, so soon
But then
You were meant to leave

~19/05/12

I hit her

I hate their screams, her screams
the loud voices
they ring in my ears, in my head
I stick  fingers in my ears

I was reminded of it
I have not recorded these events
What proof do I have?

I may just have made it up
But I did not, I never will
So was it ? was it abuse? violence?
Must I keep in mind what
it stemmed out of?

The hand, the foot, the belt

How often? they love me way more often?
Loved and love

Has their anger lulled
or are they just scared now?
or are they just too tired now?

It's all in the past so we shall never know?

But you have passed on this anger, this loud voice, this fear in me
I live it all the time unconsciously, it changes, it moulds me
It is you, the younger one that I hated more. More pain more tears. More instances of losing happiness

No, never the physical pain. It did not last, it is the image, my fear(s) and your lack of an apology
that I clearly recall
I must cleanse myself, must not let this make me someone I do not wish to be, ever.

But I hit her, just like you did. I justified it; she spoke bitter words to me, it hurt me.
So I hit her just like you hit me.

~30/05/12, 12:15pm